Dear Pete

Title: Dear Pete

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Is there something troubling you? Do you have problem you would like to discuss? Are you undecided about a certain matter and would like an opinion on what to do? Or do you just want to pour out your problems and share it with us. Then write to ‘Dear Pete’ and let us help you.

Dear Pete,

I am engaged to this young man and we will be getting married next year. However, I am unsure of him and suspect he may be unfaithful to me. You see, I think he is gay as I have caught him ‘making eyes’ with other men many times and I read somewhere that gay man are promiscuous. Furthermore, homosexuality is prohibited in my religion, Islam, so this may create problems with my parents, who are very staunch Muslims. What should I do?

Yati

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Dear Yati,

First of all, you must not think that all gay men are promiscuous. Some are actually very faithful and have remained with the same partner for many years. But then you only suspect that your fiancé may be gay because, as you said, you caught him ‘making eyes’ with other men. It could be that he is just a friendly sort of person, that’s all.

Anyway, why not lay the matter to rest by getting him to swear on the Quran in a mosque that he is not gay. This is now the trend adopted by the government to dispel any accusations that one is gay.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I am an Indian by birth and have tried for so long to pass myself off as Malay. But my friends still call me ‘Mamak’ and this really upsets me. I am half-Muslim and half-Hindu and I have made this clear many times. Mamaks are pure Muslims so this label certainly does not apply to me, who am half-Muslim and half-Hindu. What should I do? Do you think suing all those who call me ‘Mamak’ will help? I am filthy rich and possess the right connections and can choose the judge who will hear my case; so I will surely win all my cases.

Son of Abdullah
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Dear Son of Abdullah,

First of all, you can’t go around suing all your friends who call you ‘Mamak’ or else you will have no friends left. You can, however, sue all your enemies who call you ‘Mamak’. But then, if your enemies run into millions, you may end up being ‘locked up’ in court for the rest of your life.

One option would be to change your name, in particular the ‘Son of Abdullah’ part. You can legally do this by obtaining a change-of-name certificate from the National Registration Department.

In fact, you can even add a Tunku, Raja or Tengku to your name. And your name should be changed to something very Malay sounding, such as Embong, Jusoh, etc. How does Tengku Embong Bin Tengku Jusoh sound like? This is not only very Malay but will also give you a ‘royal’ touch as well.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I am a Hindu who is about to marry a Malay girl. My future parents-in-law insist that I must first convert to Islam but I am worried that, when I die, there may be a tug-of-war between my family and my wife’s family as to where I should be buried. What should I do? Should I convert to Islam or forget about marrying this Malay girl?

Rajadurai a/l Rajalingam
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Dear Rajadurai,

If you really love this Malay girl then carry on and marry her, even if you are forced to convert to Islam. You must remember; love is blind; which, therefore, can help you overcome any trial and tribulation. So you must be prepared to face whatever comes for the sake of love.

Anyway, what do you care what happens to your body after you have died? It is not like you will know where you are buried since you are already dead. And look at it on the bright side. Once you convert you will no longer be known as Rajadurai a/l Rajalingam. You can request that your new Muslim name be changed to ‘Raja Durai Bin Raja Lingam’ and then everyone will have to address you as ‘Tengku’. You will then be entitled to buy Amanah Saham shares and Malay Reservation land -- plus you can also become an Umno member and do a post-graduate course in UiTM, amongst some of the other benefits.

Who knows, you might even become the next Prime Minister, as Indians of the Islamic faith appear to have the best chance of becoming Prime Minister. And, no, you don’t need to change your name to ‘Bin Abdullah’. This is not what Islam stipulates and you can insist that they retain your original name, but with some modifications as I suggested above.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I started my business about ten years ago but can’t seem to make it in the business world. My financial problems have strained my marriage and my wife has asked for a divorce. I am contemplating closing down my business and instead go work for a Chinese towkay who has indicated he is prepared to give me a job. But I do not want to be remembered as a failure and my Malay pride forces me to plod on against all hope even though I know it is futile to continue along this dead end road. Furthermore, why should I go work for a Chinese towkay when it is these Chinese who are robbing us Malays of our rights? What should I do?

Melayu Baru
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Dear Melayu Baru,

You should bury your Malay pride and do what is right for your family, even if it means closing down your business and going to work for a Chinese towkay. Your family should come first. I know it is demeaning to work for the same Chinese who are robbing us Malays of our rights. But let’s face it, 90% of the economy is controlled by the Chinese and, as the previous Prime Minister said, they also pay 90% of the taxes. So we Malays have really no choice but to tompang with the Chinese. That is the reality of the situation.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I am about to enter university and am undecided whether to take Business Administration or Political Science. My friends advice me to take Business Administration because, they say, I can make more money in the business world. What do you advice?

UiTM New Intake
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Dear UiTM New Intake,

I would advice you take Political Science as you certainly can make more money in politics than in business. The business world is very competitive and there are more failures than success stories. Once you make it politics, you can enjoy 30% shares in Chinese companies plus Chairmanships thrown in. And these shares are all free. You need not pay for them. And, later, when you sell these shares, you get to keep the money.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I am a 56-year old Malay businessman who is about to marry a 26-year old singer. I am considering going for Botox treatment to make my face look younger but was told that it is haram for Muslims. What is your advice?

Sugar Daddy
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Dear Sugar Daddy,

You can consider eating plenty of tempe because an ex-Chief Minister did just that and he now looks much younger. But I don’t know how much tempe you need to eat and for how long before you get to see the positive affects. One setback with eating too much tempe is that it will give you plenty of wind, so you will have to be very careful with crowded lifts.Anyway, you should not worry too much whether Botox is haram or not considering that you are a businessman. Surely you indulge in haram activities everyday and Botox would be way at the bottom of the long list of harams.

Pete
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Dear Pete,

I am running a bar-disco and have installed 20 slot machines, which is the main money-spinner for my bar-disco. The slot machines can bring me about RM1 million a month. However, while I have a licence to operate my bar-disco, I do not have a licence for the 20 slot machines and now the police want me to pay them RM50,000 a month as protection money or else they will confiscate my slot machines and probably also close down my bar-disco. Bribery is haram in Islam and I am not sure whether I should pay the police the RM50,000 a month they are asking for or should I instead remove the 20 slot machines? I want to avoid doing something that Islam forbids. What is your advice?

Islam Jati
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Dear Islam Jati,

Bribery is prohibited in Islam so I urge you to not pay the RM50,000 a month to the police even though your slot machines are bringing in RM1 million a month. Remove the slot machines and just operate your bar-disco, which has a licence. That would be the proper Islamic thing to do.

Pete